5 Lies to Tell Yourself, and 1 Truth: This is a continuation of my series on how to lie to yourself better. Read part 1 here, and part 2 here.

Cognitive Idealization #1: “These strangers are very interested in what I am telling them!” 

What it really means: This is a crucial lie all successful people need to be able to tell themselves. The ability to proselytize whatever it is you care about — your brand, your product idea, yourself — and do it in a way that exudes confidence is the only way to open the doors you need to achieve.

Why this is a winning lie: It’s a lie that has great upside with little downside, particularly when used with strangers you are not meant to see again. Most of the time, people aren’t actually interested in what you have to say. But confidence of the speaker is one of the biggest predictors of persuasion — in other words, the ability to speak confidently, which is mitigated considerably when you’re trying to give others the opportunity for an off-ramp or checking in to see if they’re interested, is critical to your pitch being successful. And the more you talk to others, the more confident you’ll become, and the more prepared you’ll be for future impromptu pitches. If they’re not interested, who cares? You’ll never see them again. And if they are, then you just started a potential relationship with a customer, a champion, a voter, a fan. 

What to watch out for: The reason this lie works so well is because you’re only bringing this up with people for whom its not a problem if they know you as “that guy who pitched their soap start-up to me at a business lunch”. If you’re going for a long-term relationship play, choosing your entry point is crucial. Otherwise, telling yourself that these people all love the conversation topic you chose is the best lie you can tell yourself.

Distortions this inverts: Catastrophizing, or focusing on the negative

Cognitive Idealization #2: I didn’t care about that anyway, this next thing is what I’m really excited about

What it really means: This idealization has to do with our ability to discard interactions that could weigh us down. This tells us that it is okay to move on from a previous failure or disappointment without it weighing on our mind. The more you care about something, the more you’re disappointed when it doesn’t work out the way you want, so why not tell yourself you never cared anyway? 

Why this is a winning lie: The opposite end of the spectrum from this delusion is rumination, or turning over the thoughts in your head, which often happens after major failures or disappointments. But rumination is found to amplify negative mood & distress, and increase how long the dejection feelings last, and leads to perfectionist tendencies, reducing our ability to take risks and increasing likelihood of burnout. Being able to move up & onto the next goal is crucial to succeed in high-failure-rate environments. Successful entrepreneurs and leaders in most of these disciplines, from acting to politics to products, have a selective memory that enables them to detach from goals or deals they have been spending a ton of effort and energy on. After a major blow, the best way to protect yourself is to activate Drew-Barrymore-in-50-First-Dates Protocol. 

What to watch out for: You still need to do post-mortems. You still need to find areas of improvement for yourself. You still need to be aware of what went wrong & led to that disappointment or failure. You can’t let this stop you from growing. Truly great leaders are able to learn lessons from their failures without ruminating on them. By telling yourself you didn’t care about [INSERT “FAILURE” HERE], you can focus objectively on what went well or what didn’t, without it reflecting on your abilities as [INSERT ROLE HERE]. Don’t become the “This Is Fine” dog. 

Distortions this inverts: Catastrophizing, or All or Nothing

Cognitive Idealization #3: This is going to work, I can feel it.

What it really means: You need an undercurrent of optimism to keep you going, and a feeling that you’re going to succeed. This is about convincing yourself that the “vibes” are all there, and the universe— or God, or probability, or the algorithm, or whatever you believe in — is sending you signs that you just need to keep pushing. Note that evidence suggests optimism can be practiced & learned, also known as state optimism. Anyone can think optimistically, even if that is not their default mode. 

Why this is a winning lie: Wile-E Coyote doesn’t fall when he runs off the cliff. He falls when he realizes he’s run off the cliff. If you’re able to not look down before you reach the next cliff, you might just make it. Constant optimism, even in the face of continuous setbacks, is needed to succeed on paths that are riddled with low probabilities of success and roadblocks that require patience to work through. Evidence is convincing that optimistic leaders are more productive at work themselves, and also are better at getting productivity out of their employees. Organizations with state optimism in their leadership also achieve better outcomes than organizations with low state optimism, independent of “trait optimism”. In other words, it’s really important to convince yourself that, broadly, things have a good chance of working out, to help keep you pushing when things get tough.

What to watch out for: This works if you’re clear-eyed about the risks & can intermittently honestly re-evaluate your position. You don’t want to keep pushing on something forever that’s not achieving your goals or just isn’t working, so this need to be complemented by consistent moments of lucidity. Whether that means a “cards on the table” inter-mortem meeting with your key team members (a post-mortem meeting run in the middle of things, rather than just at the end, to check on how things are going & evaluate potential points of failure), or a day to yourself to think through your goals & whether what you’re working on is still “worth” it, the “optimism” idealization” works as a correction to paranoia and fear, but cannot replace it entirely.

Distortions this inverts: Filtering

Cognitive Idealization #4: It’ll all come together once I solve this problem.

What it really means: You’re focused primarily on the task or roadblock in front of you, and not worrying about potential future crises that might arise, or the frustrating grind ahead of you. Whether you’re launching a product or business or political campaign, there’s always going to be a lot more work, and a ton more frustration, but that can’t weigh on you while you’re trying to get through any given task. 

Why this is a winning lie: In Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Ellie Kemper explains that when she was trapped in an underground bunker & forced to spin a crank for hours at a time (this show is a comedy, obviously), she reminded herself that she can “get through 10 minutes of anything”. So she’d start counting to 10 minutes, and then she’d start counting again. There was always another 10 minutes to follow, but telling herself “just 10 more minutes” was enough to keep her going. 

It serves you no benefit to think about work you’re dreading in the future, and often leads to procrastination or split attention, which in turn contribute to delayed timelines, sapped morale, and burnout. This idealization works because it helps you assign importance to each major task or hurdle, and keep you motivated on what seems like an endless journey. The horse following a carrot never gets to eat it, but in time, they summit peaks they never would have reached.

What to watch out for: This is an idealization that requires a strong ability to pull back and forth as needed; if something changes that requires reprioritization, you need to be aware and flexible enough to change your focus. You also need to be clear-eyed about the timeline & future time-consuming tasks, but the point of this idealization is not to believe that there is nothing left to do after a given task, but that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. Stay optimistic, but keep an eye out for signs of rough seas ahead. 

Distortions this inverts: Personalization

Cognitive Idealization #5: No one else gets it like we do.

What it really means: You and your team are uniquely qualified to solve this problem. Other people are missing something. You have to believe you have a unique perspective or ability to improve the lives of your key stakeholders. If you don’t, what’s the point? Why keep charging along? This idealization is the antidote to imposter syndrome.

Why this is a winning lie: I think the more important point here is why this is a lie at all. Ideally, it should not be: you should have some clear differentiator between yourself and those on the market. But in truth, most markets are oversaturated, and thus are going to have many products or solutions similar to what you are offering. The belief in the unique qualities of you and your team will keep you going & allow you to sell others on your success. No one wants a politician who thinks their beliefs are a dime a dozen. No one wants a product whose creators think they’re doing basically the same thing as others. You need to be pseudo-messianic in your belief in whatever it is you’re pushing towards. Anything less & you’ll be left wandering in the desert. And they’re all out of manna. 

What to watch out for: This idealization should only apply to people who are not already obnoxious about this. You need to have humility in addition to confidence that borders on narcissism. If that seems difficult, it’s because it is. You should and must be able to recognize others in your space that are doing things well and adopt them or adapt to them, and remaining humble about the contributions of those who came before you as well as your contemporaries is not only best practice, but necessary, if you want to avoid making enemies who can easily stand in the way of your success. 

Additionally, this idealization should be used to clarify what you “get” uniquely, not as a bandaid. It’s not impressive to hear an Uber clone claim confidently that their app’s orange color scheme is going to make the difference to beat the competition. Tell yourself this, and then figure out why it is true. It could mean that you’re good at scaling quickly or acquiring customers, it could mean that the top competitor isn’t capturing the right data to build a moat. It could mean that you have a winning smile that has a history of closing deals that have no business of closing. Whatever it is, integrate that into your strategy.

Distortions this inverts: Overgeneralization

And finally, a Cognitive Truth:

“That Was A Silly Thought” —

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that our thoughts are not us, but they do influence us. When negative thoughts appear in your head, you have a right not to entertain them. You have the ability to practice walking through where your fears come from & saying “that wasn’t an interesting thought experiment about possible outcomes, it was just a dumb thought.” Some rules of thumb: don’t allow yourself to accept thoughts that you’d call out if a friend said it about themselves. Sometimes you’re too harsh on yourself. Sometimes you’re pessimistic and worried from the get-go. Sometimes your instinctively judgmental of others. You should remind yourself that these are silly & unhelpful thoughts and to let it go. You should feel control over your emotions, just as you have control over these idealizations. 

We all lie to ourselves in one way or another. The question is whether those lies are going to weigh us down: increasing our anxiety, paralyzing us with perfectionism, and amplifying the voice in our head that says “probably not”, or help us achieve lift off: helping us feel more secure and more certain in our position, to take risks we otherwise would not have. To make waves and to affect real change, it’s going to take a bit of delusion. As long as those beliefs are complemented with a healthy dose of humility and lucidity — these idealizations are a useful way to be more productive, achieve more, and feel confident in your mission. Believe it or not: what goes up doesn’t always come down.